When it comes to dating and relationships, there are so many articles and posts out there about “relationship red flags” and things to be wary of. So I thought I’d switch things up a bit and outline 10 relationship green flags that every empath, introvert or HSP (highly sensitive person) could do with knowing.
But before I begin, what in heck is a green flag? I hear you ask.
Basically, if a red flag signals danger, stop and something to be wary of, then a green flag is the opposite. A green flag is a lovely positive sign, much like a green light signals go.
With inspiration drawn from my own romantic relationship and what I’ve observed in healthy relationships involving introverted individuals, here are my 10 green flags.
1) No guilt-tripping for having alone time or not attending a social gathering
As an introvert, I know that alone time to recharge and recalibrate ourselves is absolutely essential. Otherwise chaos ensues.
To have a partner who understands and embraces that need for alone time, and even actively encourages this act of self-care, is a massive green flag. This shows that they understand you, respect you, and truly care for you and your needs.
The key here is that they don’t make you feel guilty or ashamed for having these needs and being who you are as an introvert.
For me personally, there’s only so many social outings and whatnots I can deal with, and only so much social juice capacity that gets burned through and depleted very quickly.
To be with someone who, without probing questions and guilt tripping, accepts my lack of attendance at most of his family events (I go to what I can when I can though), words can’t describe how grateful I am and how loved I feel.
Being with someone who respects your needs, encourages you to do what you need to do, allows you to do everything at your own pace with no forcing or coercion or guilt-tripping involved is a blooming relationship garden path lined with green flags all the way.
2) Encouragement and support of dreams
What pops up as a green flag for me in my relationship is that my partner encourages me to pursue my ideal life, and supports me in going after what I want and realising my dreams as an individual within our partnership.
He also allows me space to dream big and talk things out no matter how crazy an idea may seem at first, listening and offering sensible questions and advice, and a voice of reason where appropriate without pouring a whole lot of pessimism on my enthusiasm.
To know that my partner fully supports me being a writer and whatever else I may want to do and whoever I want to be has given me that final boost of confidence to start this blog and call myself a writer.
3) Respecting boundaries and needs
As an introvert, I’ve struggled with boundaries especially physical, social and interpersonal ones. I’ve also had a difficult time knowing how to speak up for myself and my needs especially when I need some hermit time. It’s taken me a number of years to identify what my needs are in the first place, and then how to communicate those effectively to the people around me.
Thankfully, I’m with someone who is mindful of my boundaries (whether I’ve stated them explicitly or not) and encourages me to do what I feel is right for me in any given situation.
He’s aware of my needs (even if he isn’t able to fulfil them at times, let’s be realistic about what we expect from a partner here), and by holding space for me it allows my active mind to quieten down so that I can hear from the quiet space within me and from my body what I really actually need.
4) Being a safe space
If you feel like you trust your partner to hear what you have to say, hold space for your words and emotions, be patient with you, be there for you as a continuous stable presence in your life, and be compassionate, then that’s another green flag.
To me, a safe space means someone I can come home to who I know cares about me, doesn’t just listen to me but hears me, and who I’m allowed to be all of myself with – I don’t have to ‘mask’ when I’m around them.
It’s someone who holds safe space for me to just be me and accepts all of me.
5) Honest and respectful communication
To be able to communicate honestly and openly, especially about feelings and difficult topics in a relationship, with a distinct absence of stonewalling, blaming, guilting, shaming, defensiveness, criticising or judging, is essential in a healthy relationship.
In a previous relationship, whenever I tried to communicate about difficulties I was having within the relationship, I was hit with some serious stonewalling and defensiveness. I couldn’t express myself in the way I needed to, he didn’t have the capacity to hear me as I needed to be heard, and for me that was stifling.
Fast-forward to my current relationship; in our nearly three years being together, we’ve had conversations about some seriously difficult and uncomfortable things. These conversations only happened because we were both willing participants, able to meet each other where the other was, and (most of the time) not let our egos get in the way of connecting.
The whole point of communication through conversation is to connect with another human being.
As an introvert, in conversation I particularly appreciate how my partner gives me time to gather my thoughts (of which there are many) and is patient with the general way I communicate verbally – I’m much better at the written word than the spoken word!
A green flag for me is that even when we don’t agree, we’re respectful. Even when we’re having an argument, we’re still able to hear each other’s view and opinions. It doesn’t mean the end of the relationship. Our relationship is often strengthened as a result of the conversation with the recognition that at the end of the day we’re a team.
We absolutely don’t do name-calling, putting each other down, disrespectful language, any kind of abuse or bringing up crap from the past that has no place in the current conversation and is only designed to hurt the other. There are no personal attacks, and no defensiveness, stonewalling, criticism, contempt, judgement, shaming, blaming, or any other ego crap.
At the end of the day, we want to be heard, to matter and to connect. We want to be together, and the way we communicate is a testament to our healthy relationship.
6) Looks after you and is there for you
By this I mean: Does the person you’re with care about you, feel moved to look after you, and want to be there for you when you’re sick (mentally or bodily), having a rough time or going through a challenging life situation?
If yes, that’s a green flag. If no, it might be something worth examining.
7) Minimal self-consciousness
If I can be naked around my person comfortably, pee with the door open, sing as much as like (as bad as I like), and release gases from my system, among other things that may make me self-conscious and that I hide around other people, then that’s a green flag.
Even if you feel a little uncomfortable about doing your authentic things, if the feeling is coming from your own insecurities that’s nothing to worry about. But if that self-consciousness is coming from something they’re doing or saying etc., especially about your body, that’s a flag tinged with red to me.
8) Good for your nervous system
Does your person have a positive impact on your nervous system?
When you’re around them do you feel a deep calmness and security? (I mean excitement is good too, but I’m talking about that deep down secure calm feeling.)
Do you feel mostly balanced when you’re around them, even soothed by their presence?
If you answered yes = green flag!
If no = that may be something to examine.
9) They leave you feeling recharged
When you’ve been on a date or seen your person, and then they leave for home or work or something, do you feel recharged or depleted?
As an introvert, if you feel recharged after being with someone, hold onto that person and don’t let them go. Rare stuff.
Of course there may be times when you feel depleted around people who you generally find recharging, that’s normal. But if in the main (I’m thinking around more than about 75% of the time) you feel recharged after being with your significant person, massive green flag.
If you feel depleted most of the time, then that might again be something to examine.
10) Having fun! You can have fun with them
Relationships are serious business, and I take mine very seriously. But make sure you have fun, people!
If you can have fun with your significant person, if you have joyful experiences and moments together that become great memories, and if you make each other laugh, then ding ding ding, green flag.
Final Thoughts and Questions
If you’re an introvert who is in a romantic relationship, how do these green flags sit with you? What green flags have you noticed in your relationship?
I’d love to hear your romantic stories and examples of any of the above-mentioned green flags from the blog post!
Please leave your comment below or send me an email at [email protected].
Much love,
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